how to say good-bye...

Today was my last day in the camp, and I am feeling pretty sad.  I feel more sad than I probably should, in fact.  As a clinician I know that I have to part with my clients and that our relationships can end permanently at any time.  But it is so difficult to say good-bye when you know you will probably never see them again, and they know that, too.  It is also hard to say good-bye when I am doing exactly what they cannot do.  That is, returning to my safe, unchanged home country to see my family and my friends.  All of my loved ones are still alive and my home is still there; it is not burned down, my land has not been stolen, my country is not at war (at least not on its own territory).  If my clients ever return to their country (which is unlikely) it will not be anything like how they left it, and their families will not be there any longer, having also fled or died.  

I am so impressed by how meaningfully they all said farewell to me and how much they were able to express their feelings about our meetings and what the end of our meetings meant to them.  For refugees especially, the end of relationships can be difficult because it only reminds them of all of their other losses.  Frequently clients in any setting will not even say a formal good-bye because it can be so painful to acknowledge and discuss the feelings.  But in this case, I think it was I who began to push away my feelings around the meaning of our farewell.  Saying it over and over started to become a bit overwhelming for me.  The refugees gave me so many gifts and letters and words of encouragement and sorrow.   

Now that it is the end of the day, I feel slightly guilty (although I know I shouldn't) and I feel a heaviness in knowing that I won't ever see them again.  I did give many of my clients my address in the US, so perhaps we will have mail correspondence.  But, it will be difficult for them to write to me because they do not have money for postage, and it would apparently be inappropriate for me to initiate contact with them first.  

My consolation is the sense that I did in fact contribute something to each of my clients, and many of them said that they feel different and indeed better after our brief time together.  Even though the refugees desperately need food, medical care, access to work, and better housing, they also need someone to listen to them. They need someone to hear their whole story and not turn away at the particularly horrific or sad parts, and they need someone to help them have hope and realize that they are so strong and resilient; someone to point out their strengths and to value them.  I also taught all of my clients deep-breathing exercises to help with the anxiety related to PTSD.  This seemed to really resonate with them, as it is something concrete and an action they can take.  Many said they slept better at night and were more carefree during the day now that they practiced the deep-breathing.  hooray!

One more from the wedding

Here is a picture of Ann, my supervisor, and James, the other counselor who works for JRS.  I think it is a really nice photo of them.  James and I have social worker solidarity.

Camp

I finally brought my camera to camp with me.  I have not done so previously because I didn't want to be too voyeuristic.  But, I am beginning the process of saying good-bye to my clients, and one of the things I would like to do for them is give them a copy of a picture of us together.  Virtually none of the refugees have a camera, so they really like to be given picture of themselves and their family.  Saying good-bye is difficult when you are pretty sure you will never see each other again.  My clients are always asking me if I will ever return to Malawi, and I don't want to give them false hope by saying yes.  I tell them that I do not have any plans to return in the near future, and I usually explain that the reason I am not going to return is that it is a very expensive and time consuming trip.  It is not because I do not hope to see them again someday.  I think the most important thing now is to say good-bye in a meaningful way, giving us both an opportunity to reflect on what good-bye represents. For many refugees, they have said good-bye to so many things and people already, that it can be very heart-wrenching to do so again.

It was also suggested by my supervisor, Ann, that I think now about how I will carry this experience home with me.  Indeed, I have thought long and hard but not come up with totally satisfactory answers.  The refugees always ask me not to forget them and to remember to share their story with others.  I do plan to share their stories, and I think this is a good way to honor my time with them and my experience in the camp.  Beyond that, my time here has solidified my interested in working with refugees around trauma.  I would like to find a job after graduation that allows me to continue in this vein. And if that proves difficult, I will certainly volunteer at a refugee organization, hopefully providing mental health services.  I think such a role would serve in contrast to my experience here.  I have a sense of what life in a refugee camp is like, where all the refugees are hoping for resettlement in a more developed country.  But I am sure that the transition for them would be difficult, given acculturation and other issues that would present themselves.  I'd like to gain some experience providing counseling to refugees who have already been resettled and hear from them how resettlement has proven both wonderful and difficult. 

One of the pictures includes me, a woman in my support group, and her baby.  The first week of group the woman came, looking very pregnant...and the next week she came with a baby!  The baby is so sweet and quiet.  The close-up picture is of me and Saida, my co-worker.  She is Rwandan and is one of the interpreters I work with the most here.  She is a really amazing woman.  Also, I should mention that Africans typically don't smile for pictures.  So, they are not looking serious because they are so miserable, that is just how they always pose!

Malawian Wedding

This weekend I was invited to the wedding of my coworker, Grey.  I was surprised to be invited, but on Thursday I received the invitation, and I was so excited to have the opportunity to see a Malawian wedding!  Grey and his now-wife, Doris, were part of a group wedding at their church early in the day.  I think there were 13 other couples getting married that day.  I did not attend the church part of the wedding because it started at 7:30 am.   I did go over to Doris's brother's house for the reception and the post-church entertainment.

When we arrived, we were directed to sit under a giant tent that was erected in the yard.  The DJs were hanging around, and the "brai" was set up for grilling.  Once we all ate a fairly traditional meal of nsima, relish, and chicken and the power came back on, we were ready for the real party.  First, the bride and the groom came dancing out of the house with their friends and family.  Once they arrived at the tent, the MC introduced them and their families.  Then the money "splashing" began.  When you go to a Malawian wedding, you have to bring lots of small bills to toss at the bride and groom at various points.  So we made a carpet of splashed 20s for the bride and groom to process on as they made their way to the couch under the tent.  The rest of the party consisted of the MC tempting various people to "splash" money on the bride or groom.  He would say something like, "Who wants a bite of this wedding cake? Only 200 kwatch, 200 kwatch, just 200 for a (miniscule) bite of cake!"  

Usually one person is holding a basket as people toss the money.  Music is played, and it is important that the individual giving the money dances as they toss.  For a few talented individuals, the dances were very elaborate and involved a pronounced splash of money.  It was quite a sight, but very fun.  In between the money tossing there was more food.  I was disappointed to not have an opportunity to eat some wedding cake (because we all know how much I love cake) but I did get to eat some Malawian donuts.

I have posted some pictures above.  You can see that the bride and groom wore western-style wedding outfits.  They also looked rather nervous the whole time.  I think it was a lot of excitement for them.  

Apparently the tossing of the money is not a Malawian tradition.  It has only come into fashion at weddings in the past couple of years.  It makes sense, though, because the money that is raised can serve as a nest egg for the couple.  Perhaps this is a better idea than giving a ton of expensive gifts, as we do in the United States.  In the end Grey and Doris went home with nearly 40,000 kwacha (about $300) which is a lot of money in Malawi.  

Tomorrow begins my last two weeks in Malawi.  I can't believe how quickly it has gone by. Lindsay and I are solidifying our plans for the trip to South Africa.  First on our list is go to the movies and go to the mall, which is funny considering how infrequently I do either of those things in the United States.  But when you have zero opportunity to shop or see a movie on the big screen for four months, you really start to think about how much you miss it.