how to say good-bye...

Today was my last day in the camp, and I am feeling pretty sad.  I feel more sad than I probably should, in fact.  As a clinician I know that I have to part with my clients and that our relationships can end permanently at any time.  But it is so difficult to say good-bye when you know you will probably never see them again, and they know that, too.  It is also hard to say good-bye when I am doing exactly what they cannot do.  That is, returning to my safe, unchanged home country to see my family and my friends.  All of my loved ones are still alive and my home is still there; it is not burned down, my land has not been stolen, my country is not at war (at least not on its own territory).  If my clients ever return to their country (which is unlikely) it will not be anything like how they left it, and their families will not be there any longer, having also fled or died.  

I am so impressed by how meaningfully they all said farewell to me and how much they were able to express their feelings about our meetings and what the end of our meetings meant to them.  For refugees especially, the end of relationships can be difficult because it only reminds them of all of their other losses.  Frequently clients in any setting will not even say a formal good-bye because it can be so painful to acknowledge and discuss the feelings.  But in this case, I think it was I who began to push away my feelings around the meaning of our farewell.  Saying it over and over started to become a bit overwhelming for me.  The refugees gave me so many gifts and letters and words of encouragement and sorrow.   

Now that it is the end of the day, I feel slightly guilty (although I know I shouldn't) and I feel a heaviness in knowing that I won't ever see them again.  I did give many of my clients my address in the US, so perhaps we will have mail correspondence.  But, it will be difficult for them to write to me because they do not have money for postage, and it would apparently be inappropriate for me to initiate contact with them first.  

My consolation is the sense that I did in fact contribute something to each of my clients, and many of them said that they feel different and indeed better after our brief time together.  Even though the refugees desperately need food, medical care, access to work, and better housing, they also need someone to listen to them. They need someone to hear their whole story and not turn away at the particularly horrific or sad parts, and they need someone to help them have hope and realize that they are so strong and resilient; someone to point out their strengths and to value them.  I also taught all of my clients deep-breathing exercises to help with the anxiety related to PTSD.  This seemed to really resonate with them, as it is something concrete and an action they can take.  Many said they slept better at night and were more carefree during the day now that they practiced the deep-breathing.  hooray!

One more from the wedding

Here is a picture of Ann, my supervisor, and James, the other counselor who works for JRS.  I think it is a really nice photo of them.  James and I have social worker solidarity.

Camp

I finally brought my camera to camp with me.  I have not done so previously because I didn't want to be too voyeuristic.  But, I am beginning the process of saying good-bye to my clients, and one of the things I would like to do for them is give them a copy of a picture of us together.  Virtually none of the refugees have a camera, so they really like to be given picture of themselves and their family.  Saying good-bye is difficult when you are pretty sure you will never see each other again.  My clients are always asking me if I will ever return to Malawi, and I don't want to give them false hope by saying yes.  I tell them that I do not have any plans to return in the near future, and I usually explain that the reason I am not going to return is that it is a very expensive and time consuming trip.  It is not because I do not hope to see them again someday.  I think the most important thing now is to say good-bye in a meaningful way, giving us both an opportunity to reflect on what good-bye represents. For many refugees, they have said good-bye to so many things and people already, that it can be very heart-wrenching to do so again.

It was also suggested by my supervisor, Ann, that I think now about how I will carry this experience home with me.  Indeed, I have thought long and hard but not come up with totally satisfactory answers.  The refugees always ask me not to forget them and to remember to share their story with others.  I do plan to share their stories, and I think this is a good way to honor my time with them and my experience in the camp.  Beyond that, my time here has solidified my interested in working with refugees around trauma.  I would like to find a job after graduation that allows me to continue in this vein. And if that proves difficult, I will certainly volunteer at a refugee organization, hopefully providing mental health services.  I think such a role would serve in contrast to my experience here.  I have a sense of what life in a refugee camp is like, where all the refugees are hoping for resettlement in a more developed country.  But I am sure that the transition for them would be difficult, given acculturation and other issues that would present themselves.  I'd like to gain some experience providing counseling to refugees who have already been resettled and hear from them how resettlement has proven both wonderful and difficult. 

One of the pictures includes me, a woman in my support group, and her baby.  The first week of group the woman came, looking very pregnant...and the next week she came with a baby!  The baby is so sweet and quiet.  The close-up picture is of me and Saida, my co-worker.  She is Rwandan and is one of the interpreters I work with the most here.  She is a really amazing woman.  Also, I should mention that Africans typically don't smile for pictures.  So, they are not looking serious because they are so miserable, that is just how they always pose!

Malawian Wedding

This weekend I was invited to the wedding of my coworker, Grey.  I was surprised to be invited, but on Thursday I received the invitation, and I was so excited to have the opportunity to see a Malawian wedding!  Grey and his now-wife, Doris, were part of a group wedding at their church early in the day.  I think there were 13 other couples getting married that day.  I did not attend the church part of the wedding because it started at 7:30 am.   I did go over to Doris's brother's house for the reception and the post-church entertainment.

When we arrived, we were directed to sit under a giant tent that was erected in the yard.  The DJs were hanging around, and the "brai" was set up for grilling.  Once we all ate a fairly traditional meal of nsima, relish, and chicken and the power came back on, we were ready for the real party.  First, the bride and the groom came dancing out of the house with their friends and family.  Once they arrived at the tent, the MC introduced them and their families.  Then the money "splashing" began.  When you go to a Malawian wedding, you have to bring lots of small bills to toss at the bride and groom at various points.  So we made a carpet of splashed 20s for the bride and groom to process on as they made their way to the couch under the tent.  The rest of the party consisted of the MC tempting various people to "splash" money on the bride or groom.  He would say something like, "Who wants a bite of this wedding cake? Only 200 kwatch, 200 kwatch, just 200 for a (miniscule) bite of cake!"  

Usually one person is holding a basket as people toss the money.  Music is played, and it is important that the individual giving the money dances as they toss.  For a few talented individuals, the dances were very elaborate and involved a pronounced splash of money.  It was quite a sight, but very fun.  In between the money tossing there was more food.  I was disappointed to not have an opportunity to eat some wedding cake (because we all know how much I love cake) but I did get to eat some Malawian donuts.

I have posted some pictures above.  You can see that the bride and groom wore western-style wedding outfits.  They also looked rather nervous the whole time.  I think it was a lot of excitement for them.  

Apparently the tossing of the money is not a Malawian tradition.  It has only come into fashion at weddings in the past couple of years.  It makes sense, though, because the money that is raised can serve as a nest egg for the couple.  Perhaps this is a better idea than giving a ton of expensive gifts, as we do in the United States.  In the end Grey and Doris went home with nearly 40,000 kwacha (about $300) which is a lot of money in Malawi.  

Tomorrow begins my last two weeks in Malawi.  I can't believe how quickly it has gone by. Lindsay and I are solidifying our plans for the trip to South Africa.  First on our list is go to the movies and go to the mall, which is funny considering how infrequently I do either of those things in the United States.  But when you have zero opportunity to shop or see a movie on the big screen for four months, you really start to think about how much you miss it.  

Recovered, finally

My friend here in Malawi, Heather, reminds me that I don't post very often!  This is my attempt at keeping the blog more up-to-date.  It has only been a week since I last posted!  This past week has been a bit bad, since I came down with malaria.  Apparently I had it since last Thursday, but when I tested on Friday it came out negative.  I proceeded to lay in bed for the next four days and finally decided to get another test.  The Country Director of JRS Malawi, Sister Michelle, kindly drove me to the hospital on the day after Easter, and I was tested again for malaria, with a positive result this time.  

My experience at the hospital was interesting.  It is the public hospital in Lilongwe, and apparently quite cheap.  I did not have to pay for my test or the medication that they provided me with.  They have an outdoor waiting area with little doors for various ailments and tests.  I went to the "pediatric malaria test" area (I can only assume it was pediatric because the children are the ones that fall ill with malaria the most often), had my finger pricked, and then waited once again, outside.  Then I was sent to the pharmacy window where I proceeded to ask the man what the side effects of my medication would be, and he told me, "there are many, a whole range" and refused to expand on his response!  Meanwhile, the woman waiting behind me in line is saying "too long!" and "just eat more nsima". 

Once I started taking the medicine I seemed to be on the mend.  I did not work much this week, although I did visit a new client in Malawian prison.  The prison was not what I had expected at all.  It is basically a giant field enclosed by two layers of fencing and barbed wire.  Inside the fence, there are small bunkers, presumably where the prisoners sleep, and open areas where men were playing soccer and chatting with one another.  I did not see any bars, there were no watch towers; I'm not even sure the guards had guns!  The prisoners also did not even give me a second look, which I was surprised by since I'm both a woman and white.  They were more interested in keeping an eye out for visitors whom they actually knew.  

Today I went with Lindsay and my coworkers Ann and Nyssa to the spa!  Really, it is a hair salon, but it is the closest thing to a spa in Malawi.  I had an hour long massage for approximately $15, and then I got a manicure for about the same amount.  I was pleased with both of these services.  The woman who did my massage also did my nails (she's a woman of many talents) and we chatted about the ridiculousness of the Easter bunny.  She says that in Malawi Easter is seen as a very religious holiday; a day for prayers and seeing your family.  They do not even eat an Easter dinner.

After I went for the massage, Lindsay and I went to my co-worker's house for lunch.  He kindly invited me over to meet his family and see where he lives, so I accepted.  We had a nice time eating nsima and taking pictures of his daughter, Lucia.  I've added some of the pictures.  There is one of me stirring the nsima pot (that takes muscles!) and one of Lucia outside her home.  I also got a video of her dancing, but I think that will take too long to load on my slow connection.  She really loved to dance and sing.  I think she takes after her father, who is a musician, in addition to his many other talents.   I also added a picture of Heather and her boyfriend Alexio.  He has been evacuated from Zimbabwe, where he lives and works for the Clinton Foundation, in anticipation of the elections there this weekend.

Greetings

Tis Easter weekend, and it is quite a to-do around here. Malawi is a very Christian country, and I have four days off for Easter!  Alas, I fell ill on Thursday evening and have been stuck in bed for most of the weekend, even missing my planned beach + safari trip.  sad.  I suppose it affords me some much needed time alone.  Plus, on Friday I was able to see a parade of about 500 Christians celebrating Good Friday.  I did not have my camera, so I was unable to take pictures, but it was quite a sight. 

When Penny, the coordinator of my program came to visit me and Lindsay in February, she mentioned how important greetings are here in Malawi  I have given that a lot of thought lately. Here, when I am walking down the street, many people say hello to me; "Good afternoon, Madame, "How are you, sister?".  I felt put off by all this attention at first.  Is everyone saying hello to me just because I am White?  Next are they going to ask me for money?  Sometimes that is the case, but that is a very jaded view.  In fact, greetings are incredibly important and in that way, Malawi holds up to its reputation as "The Warm Heart of Africa".  It is considered rude to not greet people, even if you don't know them at all.  And interestingly, in Chechwa, one of the primary Malawian languages, the word "hello" does not exist.  People greet one another with a term that means "how are you?".  So here, every greeting includes, "hello, how are you?",  and "fine, how are you?" and sometimes, "fine, how are you", "fine, and you?"  It goes around and around in a way that feels ridiculous to me but is perfectly expected and normal in Malawi.  Maybe when I go home I will be saying hello to everyone walking past me!

Right now the sun is setting in a very pleasing pink and purple way.  The sunsets here can be very beautiful, especially after it has rained in the afternoon and the clouds are clearing out.  The cornecopia of dogs are beginning their nightly barking.  I swear the entire neighborhood of dogs howls in unison at least five times a night!  Sometimes I wake up and sometimes I don't, but it is hard to drown it out when one's windows literally do not close, since the weather here is temperate almost year round.  It is a bit of a paradise I guess, when you get past the poverty. 

More Safari Pictures!

Safari pictures!

Safari!

I finally made it on a safari and then finally made it back to my blog!   This past Monday was a national holiday in Malawi, so I took the opportunity to go with some friends to the southern part of the country.  We stayed at a lodge/safari place in Liwonde National Park.  Malawi is not known for its animals (which is why, I would imagine, my "safari weekend" only cost about $150), but we did have an amazing experience.  I went on a canoe safari along the Shire River and got mighty close to some swimming hippos.  Did you know they are responsible for the most animal-related deaths in Africa?  Apparently they cannot see very well, so when the get spooked, they just charge.  After the canoe ride, we went on a sunset drive through the park, hoping to catch a glimpse of some elephants.  No such luck, although we did run across some elephant dung, along with water buck, warthog, and antelope-like creatures.  I took a lot of pictures and will try to post a few.  I also have some pictures of an 800 year old baobab tree. 

I've been trying to log in my head all of the things I enjoy or find interesting about Malawi that I did not expect.  One thing is the praying...there's a lot of praying going on here, even in secular settings, like work.  I thought this might bother me a bit, since I do not often pray, but I actually really enjoy all of the praying!  We pray before the support groups start, before JRS meetings start, sometimes before my individual meetings with clients.  I find the praying a very inspiring and intimate way to connect to my coworkers and clients.  It is a nice break from the usual.  Plus, most of the time everyone prays in their first language, and I don't understand what is being said at all.  This seems to make the experience all the more meaningful for me. Perhaps part of the reason I enjoy it so much is that no one ever asks me to pray along with them!

Another random fact about Malawi is that all the dogs look the same!  They are all medium-sized, tan, with a sharpish snout and pointy ears.  They are all mutts but I don't know how they all ended up looking the same.  Must be that famous Malawian Tan Dog.

Today was the first meeting of the children's trauma support group that I helped to initiate in the camp.  I asked the children to draw their families and then talk about what they drew, as a way to get to know each other.  It was the first time here that I have experienced serious frustration around the fact that we do not speak the same language.  I wanted to ask them what they were drawing and why they drew each thing the way they did and what they think about their family members.  But I had to speak through the interpreter and while I still felt we connected, it was not in the way that I hoped.  

The rainy season seems to have abated a bit, and the weather here has been quite nice; temperate and sunny.  It is nearing the time of the maize harvest and all of the corn is getting very tall.  There was one place along my run each morning that I used to have a beautiful view down into the valley and across into the mountains.  But now my view is totally obstructed by maize.  The other major crop that is about to be harvested is tobacco.  Along the drive to the camp we are able to see many houses that have their tobacco leaves hung and drying in the sun. Soon the entire country will go to auction the tobacco harvest for this year, and it will all be sold within a few days.  Major international tobacco companies will buy from this auction.  It is interesting that tobacco is such a big crop here, considering how few Malawians smoke.

Lake Malawi

Last weekend was my first trip to Lake Malawi, which is about 2 hours away from where I live in Lilongwe.  Lindsay, Heather, and I thought that we would have to take the minibus to get to the place where we were staying, but we were thankfully offered a ride from a friend of a friend named Matt.  The trip out to the lake was nice because I was able to see some of the Malawian countryside with its rolling hills and lush greenness.  Matt mentioned how brown and dusty it is here during the dry season, and I felt luck to be here now instead of in September.

At the lake we stayed at a lodge that included one huge house and a smaller, round structure just outside of the house.  The lake itself is beautiful and very warm (which is required if I am to swim).  The water was a bit brown, I assume because of the rains, but was still refreshing.  There is a sand beach and huge rocks all around.  I've attached some pictures above.

All in all, things in Malawi are going well.  I am still really enjoying my work here.  In addition to the two women's support groups that I am facilitating, I have taken on 6 individual clients and plan to begin a children's support group next week.  I'm grateful to have the opportunity to work with both children and adults in this placement.

My frustrations continue to be the same, though, namely my lack of mobility and the sense that there is so little to do here.  Yesterday Lindsay came over to watch a movie, and we arranged for a cab to pick her up at 10:30.  Only at 10:30, the cabbie had turned off his phone, and he never showed up.  We called a few other "cabs" but they had all either quit working or refused to give Lindsay a ride because they would not make enough money in the process!!  It was a frustrating night to be sure, especially for Lindsay.  She ended up having to sleep on my floor, which I can assure you is not very comfortable.

I am constantly thinking of whether I could do this kind of work long-term.  I think if I were staying here for longer, I could invest in some creature comforts which would make my stay more bearable.  Most people who live here for more than a few months have cars and cute apartments in which to entertain.  I could live here happily if I had those things as well, I think.  The other concern, though, is being so far away from friends and family.  I could not stay here more than a year or two because I would miss them too much.

Another week has gone by...

Well I seem to be only getting to this blog on the weekends, but that is more updating than most.  This past week has been really busy with work.  Since we have been organizing the trauma support groups in the camp, we assessed over 150 people for traumatic experiences and trauma symptoms.  We spent the end of the week placing people in groups, and the result is 8 groups with about 10 people in each.  I am facilitating a women's trauma support group and a widow's group.  I'm also still hoping to start up a trauma support group for children, but that won't be for a couple of weeks. 

This weekend I ventured to a party for someone who is leaving Malawi for good.  People cycle in and out of here so quickly it is difficult to keep track!  Lindsay and our new Canadian friends came to the party as well.  On Saturday Lindsay and I went to the "clothing market" (as opposed to the produce market).  It is comprised of small stalls made out of sticks, wood, and tarp, and people sell anything from used clothes (sent from the US) to toothbrushes (unused, of course).  It was a bit overwhelming because the walkways were crowded and small, and as soon as you express the slightest interest in an item, the vendor starts shoving it towards you and talking it up.  The good thing about this market is they sell long swaths of beautiful fabric that one can purchase and take to a tailor to be made into anything.  Lindsay got a pretty piece of fabric that she will probably use as a scarf.  I left empty handed, but certainly plan to return.

Above are some pictures from the clothing market.  It is next to a river, and you might notice a lot of people standing around the bridge.  Someone told us that everyone was standing around because a man was agreeing to jump from the bridge into the water for money.  We caught a glimpse of him falling...I assume he was alright. 

Here is another picture from my first week here.  It includes Ann, my supervisor (with the brown hair in the back) and Nyssa, my fellow intern (with the blonde hair across from Ann). 

here's my pad

ahh...the weekend

This has been my first weekend with Lindsay around, and boy did we have a good time!  First on Friday night we went out with some others (mostly Canadians) to a really fancy bar.  It is pretty other-worldly, with a gorgeous patio and a posh interior.  It is within a shopping complex that also has a very nice Indian restaurant and some expensive gift shops.  When I imagined coming to Malawi, I did not image it to be like this.  Many of the especially nice places to eat and stay are owned by Indian families.  I assume many of them came to Malawi while both countries were under British rule.  Now the majority of the businesses are owned by Indians, and many seem to have a very comfortable lifestyle here.

On Saturday I went with Lindsay and our new friend Heather to the famous market in Malawi.  We didn't get past the produce section, partially because we were weighed down by all of our food, and partially because it started to rain.  But, the produce that the farmers sell there is amazing.  It is all great quality and super cheap.  For example, one can purchase a large avocado for about 35 cents and a medium sized pineapple for about a dollar.  I almost feel bad paying so little for all of the toiling that went into the produce.  The market is huge and has a large section of used clothing as well as fabric, apparently.  That will be my adventure next weekend.

Malawi, in a way that is similar to the US, has a great deal of inequality.  There are plenty of restaurants catering to the ex-pats and development workers here, and the majority of Malawians cannot afford to eat at them.  While many ex-pats own cars and living in gated housing, the Malawians walk everywhere and most do not have gated homes.  I was not expecting this discrepancy, although I obviously should have.  

One exciting development is that I've finally started using the informal taxi system that has developed in Malawi.  People just pass around the numbers of Malawians who have cars, some of whom are employed as taxi drivers, and some of whom are not.  You just call them up when you want a cab, negotiate the price, and you are off.  Sometimes this entails waiting for a long time, which was the case last night, but using the taxis affords me many more opportunities for socializing. 

The weather has been generally nice, although particularly rainy this afternoon.  I am worried that it rained so much people might have had their homes flooded.  Apparently last week 50 people lost their houses in floods, and 5 people died.  When it rains here, it sometimes pours, and then you get flash floods.  Most people do not have very sturdy homes, which makes for a dangerous situation. 

My first two weeks in Malawi

Hey there everyone!

As most of you know, I am completing my second year social work internship in Lilongwe, Malawi. I am working with Jesuit Refugee Services here, which serves a smallish refugee camp just outside of the capital city.  Malawi is a beautiful country, and right now it is the rainy season, which means I get a bit wet, but everything is so lush!  I am staying in the JRS office, but I have a nice room towards the back of the house, with a private bathroom.  One of the best things of all is that I have 24 hour access to wireless internet, which is a real luxury here in Malawi.

While I'm here, I will be facilitating trauma support groups with refugees, and I'll also be meeting individually with some refugee clients.  We are also hoping to design a curriculum to train peer counselors in the camp, an important step in making the services sustainable.  We were hoping to actually conduct the training while I was here, along with some other interns, but it looks like that would be biting off more than we can chew.

Lindsay, my friend from BC who is also completing her internship in Malawi, arrived last weekend.  We are lucky to be right down the street from one another, so we have spent plenty of time together.  It is nice to see a friendly face from home so often.  We have been going out to dinner a lot here, since there are some really tasty restaurants at very decent prices.  I was worried about losing weight while I was here, but it might be just the opposite!